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Understanding why people get defensive can be challenging sometimes. Defensiveness is a reaction that can be triggered by what we say, but more crucially, it is fueled by why the other person thinks we are saying it.
Why do people get defensive? It can be happened as a natural response due to someone perceives a lack of care for what matters to them or a disregard for their value. It hinges on two important axes; whether the person believes you care about what they care about and if they believe you care about or respect them. Often, a defensive stance becomes a shield when an individual feels that their concerns, values, or perspectives are not valued. It is a way to protect themselves from perceived threats. Years of navigating an environment where respect is lacking can mold a person into a perpetual defender, wary of potential attacks on their views or worth.
Clarification Intent
Clearly articulate your intentions, and ensuring that your message is not misconstrued is crucial. For example, statement like “I know we don’t agree on this, but I want you to know that I respect you as a person” can create and improve a sense of safety to talk.
Active Listening And Empathy
Demonstrate genuine interest in the other person’s viewpoint and practise active listening attentively to what the others are trying to deliver their message. Moreover, by paraphrasing their concerns show that you are really understanding to their situation.
Encourage Dialogue and Not Debate
Frame discussion as collaborative dialogues rather than debates. When interpersonal interaction happens, it is best to share ideas and views, however, when one is starting to get defensive, you can try to clarify again the motives as it helps to contribute to a richer understanding of the particular subject, instead of debating to a never-ending talk.
Defensiveness is often a symptom of perceived threats to one’s values or self-worth. We can navigate these situations with empathy and respect. Building psychological safety, rooted in genuine care for others’ perspectives and values, transforms defensive reactions into opportunities for collaboration and growth.
